Don't Be Stupid'
by bellax-xmuerte
Summary: The glee girls want to find out more about Blaine Anderson. Kurt won't tell them anything; so they steal his phone. They expected Blaine's number to be his most called contact but it's not, that honour goes to 'Don't Be Stupid'. Suicidal!Kurt.


**Title:** 'Don't Be Stupid' or The one where no one but Blaine noticed that Kurt wanted to die.  
><strong>Rating (overall):<strong> R to be safe.  
><strong>Pairings:<strong> Pre Kurt/Blaine.  
><strong>Spoilers:<strong> Aired episodes.  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Suicidal Kurt.  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 5,904.  
><strong>Notes:<strong> A fill for this angst meme prompt. It didn't turn out how I wanted it to but I hope you enjoy it anyway.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> The glee girls are desperate to find out more regarding Blaine Anderson. Kurt won't tell them anything; so they steal his phone. They expected Blaine's number to be his most called contact but it's not, that honour goes to the ominously named 'Don't Be Stupid.' 

* * *

><p>o~o~o<p>

They've been asking him for weeks now. They've been cornering him in classrooms and bribing him with coffee and offering him everything from mix tapes to foot massages but Kurt still won't say a single word to appease them. His lips are sealed, thank you very much. He doesn't kiss and tell, so to speak, that's far too immature and unbecoming. Kurt Hummel doesn't do unbecoming. He does cryptic, he does careful, he does sarcastic and he does prudent- and a lot of other things besides- but his relationship with Blaine is _not_ their business. It's no one's business but his own and Blaine's. That's for him, they can't touch that.

It's not that he hates the girls, Kurt actually likes them a lot, because girls are always so kind to him, they're not mean like the boys are in this school. Especially these girls, the glee club girls, they're like the annoying little sisters he never had or something. The glee girls like to invite him around to sleepovers every other weekend, they like to stuff him with pizza and then confide in him. Kurt's not too fond of the pizza, because it's usually cold and disgusting, but he doesn't mind being a secret keeper. He's very good at keeping secrets, he keeps them all on lock-down, in fact, his head is practically a huge vault full of girl-secrets. He knows all about the secret crushes and the deep desires and the harder, more important, secrets that the girls are all just dying to tell someone to make themselves feel better. Kurt doesn't hate it, he likes to help people, it's in his blood or something, but he just wishes they'd realise that all of this secret sharing malarkey doesn't mean they have to know everything about him in return. Kurt doesn't want them to know his secrets- they're _not_ about crushes; they're not your basic girl-secrets.

Rachel is the most persistent, which shouldn't be surprising because she's a maniac and she has a schedule for absolutely everything, but it's still a little unnerving when she asks him about Blaine every hour, on the hour. She'll just walk straight up to him and shamelessly badger him about his 'blossoming relationship with their rival's lead singer'. Kurt will just brush her off, make a partially-true but biting remark about her cardigan collection, something which always distracts her, and then slip away. It's quite easy to get rid of Rachel Berry when you know how.

Quinn is less frequent in appearance but at least twice as scary as Rachel because she just shows up out of the blue. Kurt could be doing anything, anywhere, and she'll just appear next to him. Kurt thinks that Quinn would make a perfect assassin because, despite the heels she insists on wearing to school, her tread is deadly silent. There's almost always a dark glint in her eyes too, as she leans over and whispers the same five words heavily into his ear. Kurt can't criticise her dress sense like he can Rachel's because she dresses too well for it to ever be true, but that doesn't matter anyway, because she always gone as suspiciously fast as she arrived. Kurt thinks it's an incredibly strange, well practiced, form of reverse psychology or something because he knows that Quinn's parents are psychiatrists and every time she says those words to him a shiver runs down his spine. He cringes just thinking about it, he can hear her voice in his head: _'You'll tell me eventually, Kurt.'_

Mercedes has a completely different tactic, one that doesn't freak Kurt out quite as much as Quinn's does, she just tries to hit him with the guilt card. And it works, kind of. Kurt doesn't tell her much about Blaine but he does tell her snippets of their time together- and that's much more than he'll give anyone else who asks him. She's literally the only one who gets any information regarding Blaine, and that's only because they used to be so damn close, they used to spend every day together, and now Kurt feels like he owes her something because he spends so much time with Blaine. So, he tells her the small things, things that make her smile and leave him alone because when Mercedes starts conversations with, 'I just miss knowing you, Kurt' his defences almost crumble. _Almost. _

Tina Cohen-Chang is creative. She tries a lot of different things, none of which work, but they're all very interesting anyway. Kurt is quite fascinated by her approach if he's being honest, but then again, he's been fascinated by her since she told him, on the day they first met, that she didn't actually have a stutter. Plus, Tina's not scary or intimidating and she doesn't send him through spiralling loops of guilt like Mercedes does. She just asks him straight out or invites him (and a plus one) over for dinner or asks him if he wants to double date or if he had a nice weekend with a knowing look on her face. Out of all the glee club girls, Tina is perhaps the sweetest and the most endearing. Kurt wishes he knew her better because she really does seem like someone that he could actually _talk_ to. But he doesn't; so he can't.

Brit is probably the smartest out of all of them, which would surprise some people but it doesn't surprise Kurt at all because he _knows_ her, Christ, he even made out with her once. She's the only girl he's ever kissed and that means something to Kurt, that tethers Brittany S. Pierce to him, somehow. The girl may be convinced that her cat reads her diary but she's also the girl who gave him that bright and colourful book report on heart attacks when he was having a hard time and surround by so much darkness and Kurt doesn't care what anyone says, because he thinks that was so damn _clever_. Brittany never misses the mark, sure, you have to filter her, but she's always spot on. That's why it's not surprising when she hands Kurt a slip of paper with an email address scrawled on it. Kurt's confused at first but it all makes a weird kind of sense when she says, 'I know you don't want to talk to us, Kurt, but my cat told me to make this for you. Now you can tell the internet what you don't tell us. In pre-school I learnt that sharing is caring. Do you want a cookie? I made them and brought them in my bag but they got crushed but they taste okay even though they taste like my socks.' Kurt had smiled, taken one of her squashed cookies and slipped the paper into his folder because, who knows, maybe one day he _would_ send an email to: the_internet_cares_.

It's Santana who comes up with 'the plan' and it couldn't have been anyone else, really, could it? She's ridiculously ruthless and sickeningly scheming; that's why Kurt both admires her and hates her. Santana Lopez just doesn't do the middle ground or those murky shades of grey, she's a straight talker. She'll take what she can get without pause for thought, she'll do what it takes to succeed, she's from Lima Heights, you know, they make all their own decisions there. So, when Kurt drops his expensive bag on the floor and rushes over to help Becky off the ground, because she's tripped over her own feet again, Santana seizes the brilliant opportunity that she's been given. That's just the kind of girl she is, she's a go getter. So, she slips her hand into his bag and fishes the phone out before Kurt comes back and pulls it back over his shoulder. _Perfect,_ she thinks, _now we can finally find out how head over heels Kurt actually is for his lover boy._

It was supposed to be _fun. _

It was supposed to be some kind of stupid _joke. _

It was _never_ supposed to go down the way that it did.

If she'd have know what would happen, as a direct result of her actions, Santana would never have done it. She's not _that_ cruel. But they can't see into the future and so the glee club girls gather together in the choir room and form a natural circle of chairs.

Santana had summoned them away from their lunches with a simple text:_ 'I have Kurt's phone, ladies. Choir room. Now.'_ And they had all been there within five minutes. Upon reflection, they would look back and wonder why they were so damn _desperate_ to find out what was going on between Kurt and Blaine anyway; but they won't ever find an answer.

"First of all, how did you get that?" Mercedes asks nervously and Santana rolls her eyes.

"I just took it out of his bag, relax, your boy's fine, tot-head." She remarks and they're all looking up at her in anticipation.

"So, shall we read the messages that Blaine's been sending to our boy, Kurt, or what?" Santana asks then, looking around the circle, at each person, and they all nod back at her, of course they do, some more enthusiastically than the others, but they _all_ do it. And that's the exact moment that they all incriminate themselves and they won't ever forget it. Not ever.

Santana clicks a button and the girls lean forward, drawn in with anticipation, as they watch their peer, listen to her clear her throat.

"_Hey, Kurt,_" she reads, "_I hope you're feeling better? -Blaine."_

They all frown.

"Well that was.. underwhelming." Rachel says eventually and Tina nods firmly in agreement.

"It was sent like an hour ago, what did you expect?" Santana says, "I'll find a late night one. They're probably filthy. Hold on."

She clears her throat again.

"_Kurt? Please, pick up the phone. I really need to talk to you, RIGHT NOW. -Blaine._" Santana reads and a few eyebrows raise themselves in their circle.

"He sounds desperate, like he needs a hug." Brittany says distantly and Quinn rolls her eyes, "What was the one before that?"

She scrolls down to the next message.

"_I can't stop thinking about you, Kurt, I need to hear your voice. -Blaine._" Santana reads.

"It sounds like he's got it pretty bad for, Kurt." Tina muses and Santana nods.

She scrolls down again, reads the next message privately, and then shares it with the group, a smirk on her face.

"_Video call me later? My parents are out. -Blaine._"

Mercedes laughs disbelievingly, "The boy certainly doesn't beat around the bush!"

"Why would Blaine beat a bush? Is it because his name begins with a 'B'? My name has a 'B' in it too." Brittany says and everyone just stares a her for a while. It's like they're just checking that she's being serious, of course she's being serious.

"No, Brit. She means this Blaine kid wants to sex Kurt up and that he's not even being shy about it." Santana clarifies to which Brittany nods, though no one's actually sure that she gets it.

"Oh!" Rachel says suddenly, "I know! Let's read one more text message and then lets see how often Kurt calls him! I'm guessing a lot." She's smirking boldly and Santana is almost proud of Rachel because she hadn't even _thought _about doing that.

It's excellent.

It's _foolish._

"Last one then." Santana says before she clicks a button, reads the message and pulls a face.

"What?" Quinn says, "What does it say?"

You could hear a pin drop.

"Nothing." Santana says, her disappointment evident, "Look, it's just the word _courage._" She shows them and they frown.

"Wow. That's boring." Mercedes chimes and she'll never quite understand how important that word is to Kurt. It's just another sign that they've drifted apart.

"Okay, so phone calls." Santana says, pressing buttons again, "We all know Blaine's going to be the 'most called' but how many times do you think he's phoned him? Place your bets, ladies!"

"Fifty." Quinn says quickly and the rest join in.

"Twenty." Tina guesses carefully.

"About ten, Kurt's not _that_ needy, you guys." Mercedes says.

"Oh, I'd disagree. Sixty!" Rachel says enthusiastically.

"One." Brittany says then and everyone looks at her again.

"Seriously, Brit, one?" Santana asks and her friend nods, "One."

"Okay, whatever. I'm gonna go with, sixty-nine." she confirms.

"You _would_." Rachel says before she realises what she's said. Santana ignores her, for once, there are bigger things at hand. She clicks a button and they all wait with baited breath, their hearts racing, their breathing paused.

Santana stares at the phone and she look so confused that the others start to mirror her expression.

"What is it, is it more than what we said?" Quinn asks and Santana shakes her head.

"No, it's not even _Blaine_."

"W-what?" Rachel asks, bewildered.

"I- I don't know _who_ it is. It just says 'Don't Be Stupid'. That's the name of- of the contact."

"What does that even mean?" Tina asks then and they all look as confused as each other.

"How many times did he call it?" Mercedes asks out of quiet curiosity and Santana frowns.

"One hundred and twenty five. Most recently this morning, at two o'clock, what- what is this?" Santana asks aloud then and she's starting to get a very bad feeling about this. This isn't right. Kurt's only called Blaine twice from this phone, Brit was almost right. Santana looks at her friend. Then back at the phone. Something about those three words put together in the way that they are makes her nervous, _Don't Be Stupid_, it's like some kind of message from Kurt to himself.

"That- that's a lot of phone calls." Mercedes says next and she sounds as baffled as they all feel.

"Maybe we should.. phone the number? See who it is?" Rachel says but she sounds unsure because whatever this is it's a huge deal in Kurt's life. This feels like trespassing. They're all nervous now because this isn't what they came here for.

"Okay. Yeah." Santana says eventually, "There has to be an explanation, right?"

She clicks the button and the screen beams '_Calling: Don't Be Stupid._'

This feels wrong.

She puts the call on speaker phone.

It rings, it rings, it rings.

It feels like forever.

They're all so close to backing out.

Santana is hovering her thumb, ready to end the call.

And then suddenly….

"Hello, this is The Trevor Project."

And just like that everything changes.

The atmosphere completely changes.

The meaning of this _stupid_ meeting changes.

Every one of them experiences a sinking feeling and a lingering pang of remorse.

Then they all individually come to realise what this is and what it means.

Kurt has called this number over one _hundred_ times.

This is a suicide prevention helpline.

They feel sick.

"Oh my god." Rachel whispers and her eyes are both huge with shock and shiny with tears.

"Hello? Are you there? Would you like to talk? It's okay." the phone Santana is clutching says and she gulps, her eyes are huge too. Her face is unrecognisable, the front she puts on everyday is gone.

"N-no. We're fine. I dialled the wrong number. But- but thanks." Santana says awkwardly before disconnecting the call and throwing the phone into the middle of the circle like it's on fire.

What have they done?

How have they missed this?

Why couldn't they see something this huge?

"What's The Trevor Project?" Brittany asks then and they don't turn to look at her this time, Rachel just answers her quickly, her voice barely above a broken whisper, "It's a suicide prevention line, Brittany."

"Oh." Brittany says.

And she just stares across the room for a while, before she starts crying, before sobs are absolutely falling out of her.

"Brittany, please, don't cry. Kurt's still here, he's okay." Quinn reassures, her voice less than convincing, Brittany shakes her head.

Her face collapses into absolute distress then, "Kurt wanted to _die_ more than one hundred times?"

It hits them all then. It's like Brittany saying it out loud makes it real for them, too real.

One hundred and twenty five times.

Kurt, their friend, has wanted to kill himself, has wanted to commit suicide, one hundred and twenty five times.

On one hundred and twenty five separate occasions Kurt has felt so down, so depressed, that he'd rather be buried six feet under than have his life, his family, his friends…. and they didn't even _notice_. They didn't even suspect that a single thing was wrong.

What does that say about them?

What if Kurt had actually done it? What if, at two o'clock this morning, Kurt had slit his wrists open, or hanged himself in his closet, or put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger, or downed far too many pills to stay awake, or walked to the nearest bridge, with the biggest drop, and just let himself fall? They wouldn't have even seen it coming.

What if they'd all just expected Kurt to turn up at school today, with his usual sass and grace, and he never came through those doors, not ever again? What if they all had to go home and tell their parents that the boy who attends their sleepovers every weekend had killed himself; that they hadn't even known that anything was wrong?

What if they'd all had to go to Kurt's funeral and listen to those ridiculous eulogies, the ones that make you cry and wonder why you never told that person how much they mattered to you when they were actually here? How could they turn up, with heartbroken faces, dressed in layers of shameful black, and look Burt Hummel in the eye? They wouldn't have been able to do it.

They'd have let it happen, they'd have let the boy who carries all of their secrets die because, what, they weren't observant enough? They weren't using their eyes properly, they were too wrapped up in liking the wrong boys or maybe not liking boys at all? All of their secrets, all of their problems, they would never equal the worth of Kurt Hummel. They've all been so inattentive.

They sit in silence then, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. Wondering if they should go and find Kurt and make sure he's okay, wondering if it's too late to start caring, wondering how they deserve Kurt's friendship because they haven't been there for him. Not at all.

Santana is the first to remember Blaine.

"He saw, he _knew_, he's only known Kurt for a few months and he _knew_." Santana starts and everyone is staring at her, their eyes shining bitterly because she's right. They've known him for years and they couldn't see it but a boy who's barely known him could see it so damn _clearly_.

"Those messages," Rachel says then, "Blaine wasn't horny.. he was worried, he was concerned. He thought Kurt was- he thought- he thought he was going to -" She can't finish, she just re-orders the messages in her head.

The others are doing it too. It's horrible. It's heartbreaking.  
><em><br>"COURAGE."_

_"Video call me later? My parents are out."_

_"I can't stop thinking about you, Kurt, I need to hear your voice."_

_"Kurt? Please, pick up the phone. I really need to talk to you, RIGHT NOW. "_

_"Hey, Kurt, I hope you're feeling better?"_

Brittany is not the only one crying, not anymore, they're all crying now.

This was supposed to be _fun. _

This was supposed to be a stupid _joke._

They need to fix this. They need to make it okay. The need to do something.

But they don't get the chance.

The door bursts open, making them jump, and then a soft, inquisitive voice says, "Have you guys seen my phone? I can't find it anywhere, I swear I-"

Kurt stops still.

He struggles to take in the scene before him. He doesn't know what's happening, or why everyone has mascara running down their cheeks, or why Brittany is staring off into the distance while her fingernails are digging harshly into her arms.

Kurt starts to worry then.

He's never seen Brittany look so vacant.

"Has- has something bad happened?" Kurt says quickly and his heart is racing, "Oh, God, is someone hurt?" He walks closer then. Striding across the room in search of answers.

It's not until he's practically in the circle that he sees it.

He sees his own phone lying in the centre of the floor. He's _not_ stupid, he knows they've found something they shouldn't have, he just doesn't know what exactly. Part of him wants to run away and keep running but then he thinks of Blaine and Blaine is helping him be stronger, he'd tell him to stand up for himself, to have courage. So, he does it. He takes a deep breath and he asks them.

"Why do you have my phone?" He says directly and, predictably, no one answers him.

The can't even _look_ at him.

"Mercedes?"

"…"

"Quinn?"

"…"

"Tina?"

"…"

Kurt is starting to get upset, he can feel the emotion rising in his chest. He hates it.

"Rachel?"

"…"

"S-santana?"

"…"

He gets nothing, not a sound, not a glance. But Kurt, he's still got one last hope, he looks mournfully at the blonde with her own fingers pressed ruthlessly into her arms.

"Brittany, what's happened?" Kurt's asks then and his voice is tiny as he walks towards Brittany carefully and crouches down in front of her.

She looks so sad. She looks like a frightened child and Kurt can barely stand it.

"What's happening, Brit, please? Just tell me, I know that you care about me, B." Kurt tries and he's feeling so overwhelmed, so unsafe.

A tear rolls down his cheek.

Kurt wipes at his eyes and sniffles and Brittany looks right at him, her wide eyes staring back into his.

They don't say anything for such a long time and then…

"We found out that you wanted to die one hundred and twenty five times." Brittany says emotionally, as fresh tears wash over her.

Kurt can't move for a second.

He can't believe it. He doesn't _want_ to believe it. They must have looked at his call history. They must have seen it, they must have called that number. The Trevor Project. He feels sick. How could they all just breech his privacy like that? After everything he's done for them?

He _hates_ them, in that moment, Kurt Hummel actually hates the glee club girls just as much as he hates the hockey team and the football team. They're all the same. They all want to hurt him.

He jumps up then and moves to his phone, picking it up quickly and when he does he sees it, his list of contacts with 'Don't Be Stupid' highlighted mockingly. He flinches.

"How could you do this to me?" Kurt asks then, spinning around to look at everyone in the circle. Only Brittany has the gall to look at him.

"I thought you were my _friends_? Haven't I done enough for you, all of you?" Kurt shouts and Brittany cries even harder.

They've never, ever, heard him raise his voice and it's absolutely terrifying.

They want to tell him that they care, that it was supposed to be a _joke_, that they love him, but they don't get a chance because Kurt runs out of the choir room then with tears pouring out of his eyes.

The silence that they're left in is deafening. 

o~o~o

Blaine Anderson is a good student, he works hard, but not too hard, he hands all of his assignments in on time, but they're never early, he's admired by most of his peers but he's not popular. So, it comes as a shock to old Mr Ogilvy when the aforementioned boy leaps out of his seat and runs straight out of the door- not a word is exchanged as he grabs his bag, jumps out of his chair and presses what appears to be his phone into his face. Mr Ogilvy likes Blaine but he'll still have to report this incident to the head. Blaine is very aware of that but he doesn't care because Kurt has phoned him twice in the last five minutes and he never does that. There's something very wrong and Kurt is worth more than any number of detentions they can throw at him.

"Kurt? What's going on?" Blaine whispers quickly as he runs through the school and down the steps of Dalton Academy, there's too many people inside the building, he needs space. He needs room to talk to Kurt. He can hear crying. Blaine's heart starts pounding.

"Hey, shhh, what's happened?" Blaine says softly as he sits down on an unoccupied bench, he's still on the school grounds and he's wondering if he should be heading for a bus stop instead, if he should be heading straight to Lima.

"I- I've been so stupid." Kurt cries down the phone and Blaine sits up straight. He's been 'stupid', what does that mean, has he done something, has Kurt hurt himself?

"Kurt, are- are you hurt?" Blaine asks then and his breathing is so shallow that he can't be too far away from hyperventilation.

"I-" Is all Kurt says as he starts sobbing anew.

"Kurt, please, where are you? I need you to tell me what's happening. You're scaring me." Blaine rushes, not pausing to breathe.

"I- I'm still at school." Kurt whispers then, slowly, and Blaine is nodding.

"Are you alright? Please, I need to know that you're safe; that you feel safe." Blaine is pleading now because he knows that Kurt gets very sad, very quickly. He knows that Kurt gets so sad he'd rather not exist sometimes and that always terrifies him. Life has worn him down so much, sometimes Blaine gets glimpses of a carefree Kurt and when he compares it to this part of Kurt it's absolutely heartbreaking. Kurt's own happiness mocks him.

"I'm okay. I'm okay." Kurt whispers then.

"Promise me." Blaine presses.

"I- I promise." Kurt continues and Blaine wants to let out a huge sigh of relief, sure, Kurt could be lying to him but he hasn't before and so Blaine trusts his word. He has to.

"Why are you so upset?" Blaine asks eventually, slowly, carefully, so that he doesn't sound too distressed, that's the last thing Kurt needs right now. Blaine knows this because he's done his research. He needs to be calm, for the both of them, he needs to listen to Kurt, let him talk through this, share his problems so he can feel better, even if it's just a _tiny_ bit better. This isn't about him, it's about making sure Kurt doesn't internalise what he's feeling.

"I thought.. I thought they were my friends." Kurt whispers and pain shoots through Blaine's chest.

"Who, the guys in glee club? Did they do something to you again?" Blaine asks gently and he lets the proceeding silence hang, he lets Kurt think.

"Not- not the guys.. the girls.." Kurt reveals and Blaine feels so confused, so damn disappointed, because those girls are supposed to be his friends. They were supposed to look out for him, keep him on the right side of okay.

"I- I don't understand." Blaine says then and he knows that he's probably talking too much but this sounds too unbelievable.

"They stole my phone." Kurt says and Blaine thinks his heart has stopped beating.

"Why would they do that?" Blaine asks, more to himself, but Kurt answers him anyway.

"They- they've been asking about us for weeks. They wanted to find out more- more about you; about us." Kurt tries to explain and Blaine can't help but feel a little responsible, he knows that it's stupid, to feel that way, but he still does.

"What did they do?" Blaine asks then, dread sinking in.

"They found it." Kurt murmurs, "They found that _stupid_ number."

Shit.

Blaine knows what Kurt's talking about, of course he does, he's the person who saved that number to Kurt's phone. He's the one that called it 'Don't Be Stupid' because 'Don't Be Stupid, Kurt, You're Perfect' was too long. His heart drops. Kurt is sobbing again.

"_Kurt_." Blaine says because he doesn't know what else he can say. He doesn't know how to make this better.

"I-I should never have let you put that- that _pathetic_ number in my phone." Kurt cries and Blaine has to bite his lower lip to hold back his tears.

"Please, don't say that, you needed it, Kurt." Blaine mumbles.

"And now look! Now I wish that I _was_ dead!" Kurt shouts and Blaine flinches.

"_No_. No, you don't."

"They know now, Blaine. They all _know_! They've all cried their stupid fucking tears for me and now they're going to try and fix me and I can't be fixed! I'm a person, Blaine, I don't come with a 'fix me' kit! I fucking _hate_ them. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them!" Kurt shouts and Blaine has his eyes closed so tightly, though, somehow, warm tears still manage to spill out of the corners and run down his face.

"I'm sorry, Kurt." Blaine whispers then and his voice is wavering so violently that it sends shock though Kurt.

"W-what.." Kurt asks and he sounds so different to the way he did only seconds before.

"You're upset because they found out about The Trevor Project and that's _my_ fault and I'm- I'm sorry, Kurt, I'm just so _sorry_. I only- I wanted you to talk to someone, I'm sorry if all of this has just hurt you more; made it harder." Blaine confides and for a while Kurt doesn't say anything, he just listens to Blaine's uneven breathing.

He's crying too and that upsets Kurt more than anything, more than what happened today, because that number _has_ helped him, it's helped him so many times and so often that Kurt has lost count. He feels awful. He feels so ungrateful.

He has to fix this.

"It does help me, Blaine." Kurt explains eventually, cutting through the silence, "I call 'Don't Be Stupid' all the time. I call The Trevor Project. You have helped me. You _do_ help me. I'm- I'm just upset right now but I'm not upset with you or- or with- or with the glee girls - not really. I think- I think I'm just upset with myself. That I didn't tell them. Th-that I didn't let them know that it's too much sometimes."

"It's not too late." Blaine whispers then, his voice is still full of emotion, Kurt pulls a face.

"Yes, it is."

"_No_, you can go and find them. You can tell them." Blaine reasons quietly.

"They wouldn't understand. They wouldn't care." Kurt dismisses, like he's had this conversation in his head a thousand times. He has.

"Yes, they would. Brittany would definitely care." Blaine tries because he's met Brittany once or twice and she's always smiling so damn lovingly at Kurt.

"Brit- Blaine, she was so upset." Kurt says quietly then, a sound of distress tumbling past his lips.

"That's because she cares about you, Kurt." Blaine reminds him.

"What if-" Kurt starts.

"What?"

"What if they think I'm pathetic."

"You said they were crying, Kurt, they don't think that." Blaine reassures.

There's another silence.

They're both gathering their emotions back.

They're both trying to be strong for each other.

"They'll smother me, Blaine, they won't leave me alone now they know.." Kurt says eventually.

"And why would they do that, Kurt?" Blaine asks knowingly; because there's only one answer to that question.

"Because- because they care. They care. Oh, _god_." Kurt gasps and now he's not worried about the fact that they know his stupid secret, he's worried that they know his secret and he ran away crying because they must be so frightened. They must feel terrible and anxious and awful. Kurt feels concerned. Blaine just feels relieved because his friend can see the truth now.

"I need to find them." Kurt says then, almost defiantly, and Blaine smiles a little.

"Go and do it now." Blaine says encouragingly, wiping tears from his own cheeks.

"I can't.. they'll be in class." Kurt realises.

"It doesn't matter, just go and do it, Kurt." Blaine says positively.

"You really think that I can?" Kurt says and his voice isn't full of tears anymore either. There's something else there, a determination.

"Of course you can. You're wonderful, Kurt." Blaine promises and Kurt smiles a little too.

"I'm- I'm gonna do it." Kurt decides boldly.

"Good." Blaine says firmly, because he knows this isn't easy for Kurt.

They exchange quick goodbyes and hang up.

Kurt needs to do this while he still has the guts to.

He's barely out of the dirty bathroom stall when he gets the message:

_COURAGE - Blaine._

Kurt smiles and he stands tall.

He can do this.

He takes a deep breath and clears his head.

He can do this.

He pushes his shoulders back and he struts into the hallway, full of his old bravado.

He can do this.

It's going to be okay, he's going to be okay because they care about him, they really do, and Blaine cares about him and if he can't live for himself sometimes then he should be able to live for his friends, at least for a little while. He doesn't feel quite so scared, not anymore. He just needs to find them.

He walks past the choir room first, casually glancing inside, not expecting to see what he sees.

They're still there, _all of them_, all of the girls, they haven't gone to their afternoon classes.

Kurt's heart pounds.

He looks at them, looks at them properly and that's when Kurt realises. It isn't just the glee girls, not anymore, all of the glee boys are there too. Sitting in the girls' circle, sharing worried glances.

Kurt's about to back away then, because he's not ready for _this_, he didn't expect them all to be here, he's about to turn around and leave when he realises that they all have their phones out. Clutched tightly in their palms. Then he notices other things too, like the utter distress on Finn's face and the pain in Sam's eyes and he can't walk away from that. He just can't.

Kurt looks down at the phone in his own hands then and he closes the message from Blaine. He looks to the right hand corner of the small screen and there it is, flashing at him, he has thirty nine missed calls. They do care about him, Blaine was right.

Kurt's still standing by the door, contemplating what to do for the best, when his phone flickers at him. He has a new message. It's from Finn. He looks through the glass at Finn then, he's fiddling awkwardly with his hands, he looks horrified, Kurt doesn't like it, he clicks the message open. He holds his breath.

_Kurt, I'm sorry. I knew that you weren't okay. I should have tried harder to talk to you. I'm worried about you, Kurt, phone me soon. Your almost-brother, Finn. x_

Kurt looks up then, looks at them sitting there, and he wants to believe that they care, he really wants to, in fact, he needs to.

So he does it.

He pushes the door open, his hand still clinging to his phone because _he can do this._

He has to do this, for them, for Blaine, for himself.

It's going to be okay.

Maybe with so much help, from so many people, he won't feel quite so awful all the time and he'd like that, he really would. 

o~o~o


End file.
